Just Breathe: How Mindfulness Is Creating a New Mental Health Stigma
I woke up at 7am yesterday, feeling pessimistic — not quite depressed, but not exactly happy to see the sun. I started my regular morning routine and felt more positive. Then, suddenly and without warning, I felt worthless. Then, I thought I should kill myself. After that, I saw a picture of my daughter, and I felt loved. Then, I thought that I failed her, so I was worthless again. This all happened within a few minutes.
Sometimes I experience something similar to “rapid cycling,” but instead of extended periods of depression and mania happening a few times a year, it happens constantly. I’ll go through a succession of emotions, quickly transitioning from one to the other, often without external stimuli. I can go from a king to a peasant in a flash. From one moment to the next, I am a master, then a slave. My mind takes off once a negative comment is made by my internal voice. From there, I spiral. It can be a few minutes, or a day.
I can still appear to be functioning normally, but at times, without medication, life on the inside is unmanageable. That means having glimpses of killing myself for days or weeks — or even months at a time. I have lots of tools and skills I’ve cultivated over the years to get me through, but it can feel hopeless when my brain freaks out.
